keeping calm. or not.

I had to walk into town today to buy something for a friend.

It was hot. And I had to go the long way due to road works.

Twenty minutes later, I’m in town.

And then I realise that I left the house open.  Like pretty much the whole house. The back door was unlocked. The front French doors were unlocked. The gate was not locked. FUCK. 

I couldn’t enjoy my morning in town anymore.  I couldn’t buy what I wanted.

 I started feeling angry and frustrated. I had to walk all the way home now.

I don’t have time for this!! I thought.  ‘ I should be studying! ‘

Study is the constant devil dead weight that is sitting on my shoulders.

And then ‘ It would be easier if I could drive! ‘

All of a sudden,  deep sobs started escaping out of my chest. I tried to hold them back.  Tears ran down my face.  I couldn’t breathe.

Too much. Too much.

I stumbled home, clutching at my tight chest, it was hard to find air.

Back home, the place had not been robbed. That’s a plus.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the bed trying to take deep breaths.  If I distracted myself and not think about anything, I would start to feel better.

As soon as my mind diverted to study, the truck, and how I was wasting my study day, (it was already midday), I couldn’t breathe again. It took a while.

Now my eyes are red and I have a headache.  I feel numb and I’m just trying to focus on the next medial task. Go downstairs and get the washing off the line. Finish the dishes.  Ring the cleaner.

 

I only have six months left to finish a 12 month course. I haven’t even finished the first subject yet. It’s hard. I don’t know what I ‘m doing. It’s so time consuming. I can’t do it.

(Notice the doubt and negativity ? Bad me.)

We have a new truck which sits outside. I can’t drive this manual truck so I’m just stuck at home all the time and I have no independence. I HATE that. I HAVE to drive this truck.

I need a plan. Don’t I ? A plan. 

crazy cat lady love

I spent some time today looking through photos on the computer . There are HEAPS of Miss Cat. I think I went a bit crazy cat lady taking photos of my new adorable kitten... All well.

Miss Cat back then :

And now:

 Such a sweet girl she is.

oh mercury!

I’m in tears. Google has made me cry.

I've been thinking lately about going to the dentist to get all this mercury removed from my mouth.  (I’m aiming to upgrade my health insurance today so, after the 12 month waiting period, I can claim on major dental.)

I don’t feel great and I’m thinking it might be because of mercury.  My mother has been diagnosed with severe mercury toxicity in her body, which does not mean great things for me. (Mercury crosses over to fetuses in utero and one of the few ways it can leave the body is through breast milk.)

I remember when I was about two years old, I dropped the thermometer on the bathroom floor. I didn’t mean to.  And the mercury spilled out onto the tiles. Mum freaked out ( as you would) and we all had to get out of the room. I feel pretty bad about that now.  Sorry Mum.

 Last year my naturopath looked at my blood results and asked me if I have ever been exposed to heavy metals. Again. Not good. I have a referral to get a hair test done for mercury but I haven’t done it. When I have a spare $150, I will.

So I googled it.  I found some really great informative natural health and medical websites and blogs on heavy metal toxicity, symptoms and treatments.

As I read through the list of signs and symptoms. I’m thinking.. oh shit I had that….. oh I had that… oh I had that too… and that…  I get that… and so it continued until I reached the end.

And that is why I’m crying.   Because I don’t want this ! And it all means money! Lots of money to get the blasted mercury out of my system!

Here is the list of symptoms that I have had in the last 5 years or am currently having.

Hold on to your chair.

·         Visual impairment

·          food sensitivities

·          abnormal heart rhythm

·          high blood pressure

·          repeated infections

·           Irritability

·          Anxiety

·          Nervousness

·          Restlessness

·          exaggerated response to stimulation

·          emotional instability

·          sudden anger

·          irrational behaviour

·          loss of self-confidence

·          Indecision

·          Shyness

·          mental depression & withdrawal

·          bloated feeling after eating

·          Heartburn

·         cervical erosion

·         not sweating

·          slow healing

·          leg cramps

·         frequent urination

·         unexplained anaemia

·         chest pain on left side

·          unexplained rashes

·          excessive itching

·          Acne

·         constant feelings of tension and strain

·          increased need for sleep.

All on the list of mercury exposure and toxicity symptoms.

Coincidence you say ? Hmmmmm.  

I've wiped my tears away and am going to walk to the Health Food Shop to buy selenium and chlorella - two natural supplements that assist your body in removing heavy metals.  I also have to reduce sugar, coffee and alcohol.  These things. do.not. help.

Its ok Google, we are still friends.

Going AWOL

On Saturday, we went AWOL. That's right. Absent Without Official Leave.

It was a tough week for both of us. ( You can refer to my last post about this.)
 We were both feeling pulled down and stretched to the limit by LIFE, and had not even had time or energy to communicate a whole lot over the week.

So Saturday morning there was argument and tears and frustration.
And then I thought.

Lets just go. Get in the truck with Miss Dog and go to the beach.

What about this list of errands ? And this commitment ? And that responsibility? And this messy house?

Stuff em. STUFF THE WORLD. Lets just GO. Lets just go and be US.

So we did. We quickly packed what we needed, and got in the truck and drove away.

It was a glorious feeling.

We reached the beach -a huge perfect sandy white dog- friendly beach and Miss Dog had a great time running around saying hello to other dogs,  catching the ball, and jumping in the waves.

We walked up and down the beach hand in hand, sipping our coffees,  cool waves rushing towards our feet. The sun was warm. It was perfect.

Then we found our way to a great fish and chip shop that Mr Man knew about.  We sat at a park near the water with Miss Dog resting at our feet and ate our fish and chips.

And we talked. And it was just.what. we. needed.

Holy Jeepers! Pregnant?

This week I‘ve been on a roller coaster I really have.  I was late you see. . I was TWO WEEKS LATE. And I had myself CONVINCED. Convinced I tell you, that I was pregnant.

To say that I was freaking out is an understatement, it really is.  I was thinking and thinking and thinking about what we were going to do. I was doing sums in my head about bills and loan payments. I was making doctors’ appointments. I was about to get a waiting list form for childcare for goodness sake.  I wasn’t sleeping and I felt like my life was on hold.

And then, all of a sudden, after two weeks, I wasn’t pregnant.

All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I realised that all this JUMBLY, WRONG, OUT OF WACKNESS with my womanness is due to stress.  How so?   Well I stopped ovulating you see. Stress can do that to a gal.  It had never happened to me before but now it has.

I’ve been pretty stressed over the last few months. I was very stressed at my previous job. And now I feel a little more justified.  It wasn’t all in my head, me being too soft, me not coping, me not being good enough.  I stopped ovulating for goodness sake.

My body was STRESSED, it started shutting down non-essential services like egg delivery. 

So I’m glad I quit. I’m glad I went back to my old job where I can breathe.  I actually feel like I made the right decision for myself. That I trusted my feelings and my instincts and stress levels and I acted and I was RIGHT in doing so.  And that’s a good feeling…

(THANKYOU to Mr Man for supporting me through this every.single.day. I love you more than I can possibly describe)

Anyway, after this roller coaster ride, I was exhausted. I AM exhausted. I feel like I need to debrief.

Take stock. Take a deep breath.  ….

This experience has made me realise two things.

First thing is this. We are, in NO way, able to have a child financially right now. We’d be screwed. We really would be.  But I know that we are making progress every week and that in 12 or 18 months’ time, we’ll be in a different place, a better place.

 (And I know people say, you’ll be fine!  People have babies on Centrelink these days! But you see, the problem with that is that people who live on Centrelink don’t have truck repayments or a mortgage, or personal loan payments, boat repayments or shed repayments. And we do.  So that argument just does not make sense. )

The second thing is this. I REALLY Want to have a baby, like REALLY.  I cannot WAIT to actually be pregnant and to go through the most life changing awe inspiring experience that is growing a child and giving birth to a new life. A little person created by Mr Man and I.  (Mr Man is going to be the most INCREDIBLE daddy. I know it ). Now I’ve always wanted to have children but I just feel like this desire has reached a new level of depth. I know its not all roses, of course I know that. But I can’t wait all the same.

Keeping Me Sane

These are the things and the people and the loves in my life that have kept me relatively sane over the last few months, when work was SO awful. I'm so grateful I was able to quit and return to my previous job in the city part time. Its exactly what I needed and wanted months ago.

 Mr Man. Mr Man. I dont know what I would do without Mr Man.  And Miss Dog. They both make me smile every day. I'm smiling right now just thinking about them.

My Miss Cat, my Harper. Isn't she beautiful ? I love how she likes to curl up on the couch with me and snooze, she definitely takes my stress away.

Relaxing into a hot bath with candles at the end of awful days.. that was lovely, soaking the day away.

Escaping work at lunch time to find nature.  This is actually a reserve on the side of a busy road. I didn't care. It was grass and trees and bushes and blue sky. So I sat and ate and tried to find peace in my one hour of calm.

Mr Man making me perfect breakfast in bed on the weekend, me relaxing,  playing on the tablet, sipping my coffee and breathing.

Oh! Almost forgot one.

Food. Uh huh. That's right. I've been eating. and drinking. more than usual. Its been terrible. I've put on 4 kilos in the past months from emotional and stress eating and drinking. But hey, it helped me get through a rough time, right?  Now I just have to get those kilos OFF again. Hmmm.  This, by the way, is my gluten free and dairy free apple crumble with ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. That's what I'm talking about. 

i'm sensitive.. and I'd like to stay that way

A pen in my hand, paper on my lap, I sat and watched.

Learning How to Thrive as Highly Sensitive Person:

  A guide to understanding your sensitivity and creating Fuller, Richer Life.

Highly Sensitive Person is a term used to describe people with a trait of high sensitivity. It is a genetic trait that is found in roughly 20% of the population.   HSPs have stronger emotions, processes information more deeply and are easily overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I spotted this on the DVD shelf this morning; I bought it a year ago but never watched it.  And I thought I should.   I think l struggle a lot with this, being highly highly sensitive. There are 27 statements on the Sensitivity Test. If you answer TRUE to 14 or more, you are highly sensitive. My score was not 14. It was 25. (25 out of 27 huh. Sensitive much?) 

The first thing I liked about the DVD was the background music on the menu, it was so soft and melodic so calming and soothing.  It put me at ease instantly and I thought ‘geez these people know their audience!‘

Those who know me know that I am a creature of habit. Want to go to the same restaurant every week for a year and order the same thing?  Yup, great. No problem.  I always park in the same spot. I feel very uneasy if I can’t and wonder if I have OCD.  I only go to service stations that I know.  I go to the same shops and like visiting the same places.  Why? You might ask.  Well I just learnt why.

It helps me stay calm. What helps me stay calm is what I find familiar.  It makes sense, doesn't it?

The DVD goes on to talk about strategies such as:

: having lots of downtime,  one hour per day,  one day per week and having a week’s holiday every 3-6 months, and meditate.

: getting close to nature  - include pets,  fish, plants into your environment. Look at the sky, go to the beach. Its all good for HSPs.

:: learn how to complain nicely when you are too tired or have had enough.

:: Take care of your body. 60% of illness is stress-related.  Reduce your stress. Reduce your stimulation, by not reading everything you see, 80% of stimulation is visual.

:: learn how to say no or as they put it ‘ that’s not going to work for me.’

Well, that was my educational entertainment for the day;  I learnt something about myself and I feel more confident in being myself and being highly sensitive.

What have you learnt about yourself lately?

The Pink Rose

Mr Man and I went to visit family recently and saw my nieces and nephews.  Five little people who make my heart implode and melt at the same time, and have shown me how overwhelming and strong love can be. 

My three year old nephew,  Cheeky Boy, with a huge grin on his face, came out of the kitchen holding a beautiful single pink rose. He held it up to me, with a shy giggle. ‘This is for you Aunty Mim’.    I took the rose and delighted in his cuddle and his thoughtfulness. Tears came to my eyes.

Apparently that morning he had gotten up and announced that he wanted to buy Aunty Mim a flower. He was adamant.  He was determined. So they went to the florist and Cheeky Boy chose a flower.  A perfect pink rose.

I’d been feeling quite isolated, and alone, life was a little hard, I hadn't seen my family or friends for too long. Life was consuming.

 And then, out of the blue, completely unexpected, I had this gorgeous little soul handing me a rose, as if to say – Hey ! Don’t forget. We love you. You are loved. You are something really special to us. 

How amazing that this little boy with big blue eyes and an obsession with Spiderman woke up that morning and knew exactly what I needed. 

 Thank you Cheeky Boy.

This happened six weeks ago. And my pink rose is still standing proudly in a vase. Yes, it a little less pink and its petals are dry.

 But I’ll keep it for a little bit longer. 

My New BFF, Treadmills & Acne

I’ve had a new best friend this week. Glen 20. Its comes in a green spray can. Its smells nice. And, here comes the kicker, it kills 99.9% of germs. Nasty ones. 

Any germ that you don’t want, it kills.

Thankyou Glen 20 for making me NOT get sick.  

Mr Man has been sick, you see.  Sick like no-one ever wants to get sick. Sick in a very contagious way.   I’ve been busy driving him around, making him ginger tea and frantically disinfecting the house and washing my hands.  Then he got worse and had a night in hospital. It was hard, seeing him like that. All shaking and shivering in bed, feeling like death, hooked up to machines and drips. And me , sitting useless,  unable to make him feel any better.

Mr Man’s home now and slowly, on the mend.  Suddenly he smiles and my heart leaps and I realise that I haven’t seen that gorgeous smile in days. I love his smile.  I haven’t been able to work much this week, busy taking care of him. So, in about two weeks, you’ll probably hear me stressing about money. Actually I’ve been stressing already. But anyway.

Our life being turned upside this week has really made me appreciate and feel grateful for our health and normality. Sometimes life feels like a treadmill, but its not really. We are moving forward. And the scenery is slowly starting to change. And the most important thing, is that Mr Man and I are doing it together. Yes, we might feel like we are on a treadmill. But we are holding hands and we are walking together. So its okay. In fact, its GREAT.

STRESS brings me to another topic – acne. I’m 30 years old which means I get wrinkles AND acne and what a wonderful combination that is!  I’m suffering weird acne at the moment so I did a bit of research and discovered that the kind of acne I have is caused by hormones and stress . I found this oh-so-informative diagram which you may be interested in…

Interesting huh ? Chinese Medicine, I reckon there is something to it, I really do. 

I gotta go make more tea now..  

Xo 

good for my soul

well I did it. 

I arrived home from work today and I didnt even stop. I changed shoes and clothes and went for a run. 

Okay, it was more of a fast walk....and I had a few pieces of chocolate before I left BUT I still did it! 

And that is the first step to creating a habit. Actually doing it.  I walked for about half an hour and while I was out walking, I went up to visit my tree.

Yes, I have a tree. Sometimes after work, I'll come to this tree and sit under its branches and lean on its roots and unwind from the day.  Its nice. Its a nice spot. I like it.

And THEN, when  I got home, ( hold onto your chairs peoples) I meditated. 

Yes that's right.  Meditation and run in one day? holy batman!

I listened to a new meditation CD that I bought at the wellness event on the weekend. It was nice, it was relaxing..  I think I fell asleep.  All of a sudden, the soothing voice is telling me to return to the ladder and I was like.. ladder?what ladder?  Arent we on a boat, heading away from a misty beach?

Note to self - do not lie down on bed to meditate.

SO.. the question is - do I feel better? Honestly ? Not really. I'm cranky and irritated today and I have tension in my head and I feel blah and I'm putting all these things down to PMS. ( thanks to Mr Man who is putting up with me.) 

But after a few days, I know that I will feel better and that these two practices are self loving habits that will be good for my soul. 

Now. Go do something that is good for your soul. 

xoxo

everything I need...

I had a fun day yesterday at a local women's natural health and wellness event in the city.  I was inspired by great speakers and reminded of what I should be doing. ( More about that in the next post!)  I was motivated to practice more SELF LOVE and to drink MORE water and LESS alcohol.

Now I have a collection of positive and truth affirmations around the house.
 ( I hope Mr Man doesnt mind.)

I've strugggled a bit today and I'm putting it down to PMS.. and the fact that tomorrow is Monday.
But I'm reminded that I am happy and alive and blessed
and I have everything that I need.

fun with friends!

I had breakfast with a lovely friend last weekend and it was great.  My gluten free, dairy free meal was scrumptious, ( love going out for breakfast!), the conversation went on and on as we jumped from one topic to the next.  A few minor tears on my part but LOTS of laughs as well. I love this friend for her honesty and straight forwardness; she says what she thinks, not what she thinks she SHOULD say or what she thinks I want to hear.  Its just honesty and it was exactly what I needed..

AND last night I caught up with another friend! ( My plan is working, GO ME!) And it was awesome, it was so great to talk to somebody professional and educated about work issues, not to mention EVERY thing else under the sun in my life and hers. A friend who seems to understand a lot about me, and who is in the same kinda stage of life. I had the thought that I really must be leaving early to go home and get things done but then I thought, you know what? Stuff it! I'm out on a Saturday night, in the valley, I'm relaxed, I'm having fun, and I'm with awesome company. STUFF IT.

And I'm glad I did.

the anxious night and the value of girl talk

I had one of those nights the other night.
The 'I cant sleep, anxious heart' kind of nights.
Do I want to talk about it? Not really.
Do I know what was going through my mind ? Not definitively.
I don't really understand why I have such nights.
 Perhaps it stems back from childhood.

I'm too sensitive to other people's moods all day, and at the moment I'm struggling with insecurity.

I've been trying to climb out of this hole and be happy because I have SO much greatness in my life and I have SO much to be grateful for and I am, I am grateful. I dont want to take anyone or anything for granted.
A part of me is scared that Mr Man will get sick of my current address of struggle-town and leave me.
( He wont, by the way. I know that. But I dont know that.)

I feel better today. My week at work was.. ok. Better than the weeks before.
And I have an action plan. A plan to get a better job.

And I'm looking forward to catching up with a friend this weekend.

I've set myself a goal, you see.   To spend time with one friend every weekend.
I havent seen any of my friends for such a long time. I just dont talk to anyone, I talk to Mr Man of course which I love but its not the same.

A girl needs friends y'all. Women folk, girl talk. Sister hood. that kind of thing. So I'm having breakfast with a DEAR friend in the morning, and then next weekend, I'm going out for a drink in the Valley with another.

And it will be good. It will be great.

epiphany of the week

  

Over the last few days, I’ve realised something.  

Not only do I love time alone ( I kind of knew that), I need it.

A few weekends ago, we went out for dinner for Mr Man’s birthday with some great friends. One of them made a comment about his wife’s alone time at home. And she laughed and responded saying that she loves being alone.

I thought about that for a few minutes as I ate my meal. Yeah, I love being alone too. Just time to be and do whatever, by myself.

I had a hard day the other week and after work, I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t. I needed time to.. unwind and quieten the scream inside of me, the tension, the stress, the frustration and anxiety from the day. So I didn’t go home. I went to MacDonald’s and I sat near the window. I sipped a hot coffee and I watched people walk past and I breathed.

When I got home, an hour later, I felt better, in a better head space,  able to communicate and love and be available and contribute to my family and my home.

Then there was another day that I shouldn’t have come home straight away, but I did.  And I was cranky and frustrated and stressed and it wasn’t a good night. Not for me, not for Mr Man, not for our home.

 So, I’m not coming home now. That’s right; I’m not coming home until I’m ready.  I’m going to go have a cup of tea.  I’m going to lie in the park. I’m going to sit and watch water flow down the river.  I’m going to breathe and relax and forget about the hardness of the day and remember the beauty of my life. 

And that will help. THAT way, I can come home and I can smile, and be happy and I can love. 

The last few months have been. Really hard.

I lost my car. Well, by lost, I mean, we decided to trade it in for a brand new truck. A fantastic awesome truck which we love but which I cant drive.  Yes, that’s right. I’m 30 years old and I am yet to learn how to drive a manual.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I lost my freedom, and my independence and ability to get in the car and go places on my own. And that meant a lot to me.

At the same time, I’m learning how to drive this big new truck with its clutch and its gears and I just wish I could do it.  But I cant. I try and I fail and then the voice within me, that ‘I’m not good enough’ voice gets louder and louder.  

And it just gets a lot. I’m frustrated with myself and my inability and the amount of bloody emotional shit that I have to drag into simply learning how to drive a manual.

AND then… I left my job. Which turns out also meant a whole lot to me (who knew right?) I got a job much closer to home, better for me, for home, for my family. 

I had a new job to tackle with, a shitty job and I couldn’t talk to my friends every day like I used to.

Now I have another new job. Its frustrating and stressful and very overwhelming.  I’m not a big fan of ‘labels’ but I’m a highly sensitive person and this job leaves me completely overwhelmed and overstimulated every day so I’ve just been feeling much more stressed and anxious ALL the time.

So that brings us to this point and my new found desire to express and love and share and enjoy my life in a new way.

AND at the end of each day,  I am ETERNALLY grateful for THE most wonderful man by my side who is nothing but a constant calm and anchor in my storm of life. I LOVE our life, our home, our pets, and our future.

Tomorrow's forecast - blue skies

Welcome to the relaunch of my blog. It has lain untouch for almost a year while life has given me great surprises, kicks in the gut and plenty of other things to do.

It’s time now, for me to give this whole’ sharing’ online thing another go.  I need to be more honest and open with myself and others. I have to share what I feel  because what I feel matters.  I have to express all that goes on within me and that. Is no.easy. thing.  

So this is a step in the right direction– a daily Blog about my day, my life, my thoughts, my feelings

 I talk, I blog, I share, I open up, I learn that nothing awful is going to happen and that I’m still loved. After a while, I will probably actually start to feel better.  That is how this is going to go.

Join me on this path.  It may just be a wild exciting adventure ( or it may be a little boring, I make no promises.) but I’d sure appreciate your company.