Damm you.

Damm you Trade Secret.

Here I was, minding my own business, coming in to find myself a little black bag for my work party tonight.

I walk in and BAMM.

I get hit with newborn baby onesies and tiny pink socks.

 Everywhere I look. KAPOW. PUNCH. SLAP.

All I could hear was my heart beating, I grabbed the first bag I saw and got out.

And then I sat in the car and shed a tear.  or two.  actually it was probably more like ten.

But that's OKAY.

From Mr Man

Mr Man read my previous post and replied to it - blog style so I could post it.  Here it is: 

If you were any of those things I would not have asked you to marry me.

Stupid : you are not because I  know you to be the complete opposite to that -  “smart, intelligent and gifted” maybe but definitely not stupid.

Idiot: well, we are all act like idiots from time to time and we make fools of ourselves but we are and you are not an Idiot.

Selfish: that’s one word that couldn't be further from the truth. If you think you are selfish that’s crazy. You are entirely selfless in all that you do and the people you meet especially me. I don’t know anyone as selfless as you, putting your own happiness before everyone else.

Bitch: is a female dog and no woman deserves that title or insult. You are not a bitch simple.

To me, you are the most amazing sincere person that I have met, you are perfect for me in every way and before you say  “No I am not perfect” I love all your imperfections just as much. You're beautiful in every way, your heart and your soul. 

I knew all this the moment I met you; I could see it all- us together forever (yes with our differences), our wedding, fishing in the boat, happy memories and hard ones too and eventually growing old together. This may seem cliché but it’s true. 

I love you and you are deserving of such a journey and world with me.

I hope you find it within yourself to forgive yourself because I forgive you and am sorry that I also acted the way I did which is in part responsible.

agh

Stupid. Idiot. Selfish. bitch. Stupid. Idiot. Selfish. Bitch.

I did something that hurt my husband and now, I’m beating myself up about it. As you can see.

I made him think that I was comparing him to my ex.

I was not.

The thought of putting Mr Man and my ex on the same page tears me apart.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

My ex was a monster. There are things about him that nobody knows because I simply cant bare to say the words. It was the worst time of my life.

Mr Man however is in a category of his own. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met in every possible way. He is the benchmark of all benchmarks. He is everything to me.  I love him more than I can say.  He is my husband – he is….my world and…… I don’t deserve him.

I  cant seem to forgive myself for hurting Mr Man.

My Weekend

It was raining when we arrived. I felt like the world was shedding a tear for me, for us. 

So I rested for day. First from the couch.

Then from the daybed in the garden. 

The holiday house had lovely reminders about the place. 

And then the sun shone!  I soaked it up like a sun baby. 

Being out on the water in the boat always makes me smile.

Miss Dog came away with us too. She makes me happy. 

I'm NOT alright.

When I was eight, I fell off my bike, while going down a steep hill.  My sister was with me and helped me.

All the way home, all the way to the hospital, I kept on saying 'I'm alright, I'm alright... I'm alright.... I'm alright'.   Clearly I wasn't alright. Clearly my body was in shock and I was suffering from concussion.

For the past two days, all I have said is, you guessed it, ' I'm alright..... I'm alright.' 

In shock,  in denial, not knowing what to feel, that's just what I said. 

Thursday was the day that  I allowed myself to be NOT alright.  I was NOT okay.  

And that was okay. 

Just because I was only 5 weeks does not mean that I can't grieve for what I lost. My first pregnancy, our first child. Mr Man and I were so far over the moon, we couldn't even see it. 

It was sitting in the bath that made me come undone. Looking down to see my soft breasts, my squishy belly,  knowing that what was growing was no longer. 

This morning the beginnings of my baby went down the drain. That hurt. 

Miscarriage is lonely. I felt really lonely despite Mr Man's support and love.  Its also quite painful in lots of ways and my heart goes out to every other woman out there who has suffered a miscarriage.  

We are going away for a few days and I'm yearning for sunshine and ocean and healing and positivity. 

not. anymore.

I discovered I was pregnant early, as soon as it happened really, I knew.  I had had the sex, the symptoms and then, after a week,  the positive test.   I could barely believe it. I was actually pregnant; I could fill a bag with the tests that I had taken. I was SO tired it wasn’t funny and trying to pull a singlet down over my boobs ? OUCH. 

It was at the back of my mind every moment. My body was telling me every moment.   And I have never been so happy.  I was mindful that that something could go wrong.  But I was quietly confident. I’m healthy! I haven’t been on birth control! It will be fine!

A doctors visit sent me away with a scan referral for when I was six weeks and a congratulations. So positive. So great. Right.

Today, at 5 weeks pregnant, I wake up to a negative pregnancy test and bad cramps, and spotting.

Its over.   My heart aches. My body leaks what didn’t work. 

I am… not anymore.

The year that will be.. 2015

Sometimes life just gets really busy and overwhelming.  And time passes. That's right.  The clock just keeps. on. ticking.   Its now 2015.  Jeepers. Let me give you a quick update.

-  Mr Man and I got married. Yes we did!

( Words that I would use to describe our wedding day : relaxing, fun, dreamy, loving, emotional, perfect.  Words that I would use to describe our first few months of marriage: sexy, real, challenging, fun, honest.  )

- I just started a new job a few weeks ago which of course is big CHANGE and stressful for me. I'm still finding my feet and getting very frustrated at this place of employment. But its ok.

- Mr Man and I are also thinking about starting a family which is VERY exciting and an absolute dream came true.  To make a person with the man I love most in the world - a person who is half him and half me.. eek !  To experience growing a person and bringing them into the world...eek !

- I am no longer taking medication and  I have my good days and bad days. At the moment I'm trying not to fall down a hole about my ever looming study deadline. I probably have about 10 big assignments to complete within the next 8 weeks. Hah !!

I received a great workbook over Christmas about 2015 - a life workbook, which encourages you to write down your dreams and goals and New Years Resolutions for the year and actually MAKE THEM HAPPEN.  (if you are interested check out www.leoniedawson.com)

This year for me  is going to be all about striving for BALANCE and SIMPLICITY and I really wanted to blog about this journey for me, the journey of 2015.  

What is this year going to be about for you ?