hello my name is...

At the beginning of the year, I had a minor breakdown in the doctors’ office and started to see a psychologist. 

Her name was Sue. She was quiet, and softly spoken and gentle and she specialized in attachment relationship issues.   And I liked her.

At first, our session were.. gut wrenching .  For days before hand, I’d be anxious and irritable and stressed.  I felt like there as so much tormenting me, It was really difficult, to despite my fears, speak the truth.

 But I learnt that once you say it out loud, it loses some of its power.

Its not a secret within that destroys, it’s a ‘fact’ in the daylight and in the light, you can start to see the holes, you can see the disguise.  That’s not a fact! That’s a bloody story !

 And its not true !

That’s what Sue called them ‘stories’. These stories were actually core beliefs that I had from childhood. Which, if you looked really closely and deeply, were behind a lot of my struggles and tears .

Sue helped me by relieving some of my stress, I was able to get an extension on my study.  We talked about my relationship with Mr Man and my family. We talked about unhelpful thought behaviors, and healthy ones.  She encouraged me to do yoga and read a book called ‘ The Happiness Trap’ by Dr Russ Harris.  It was all good.

But since then, I've also been on medication to help me.

 And every day I've taken this medication; I've beaten myself up about it.

You shouldn't have to take this medication. Think differently, take responsibility for yourself, change things. Don’t rely on drugs. It’s not good for you. Stop taking the drugs.  I felt weak admitting that I’m on medication.

So a while ago, I lowered my dose, and I seemed fine. I thought I felt better about it.

See ? I’m only taking a little bit now. I can stop whenever I like.

This week, I have discovered that perhaps, I was a little too speedy in lowering my own dose.  For some reason, I've just started unraveling.  The wheels are falling off.  So I’m going back to my original doctor prescribed dose.

And you know what? I’m going to own it.

It’s perfectly and completely OKAY and I need to accept it and love myself for it. I need to feel proud of myself because by taking this little white pill every night, I am taking care of myself, I am putting myself number one and I am doing what I need to do.

Hello, My name is Mim and I’m on medication.

I’m on medication because I get overwhelmed by life and its pressures.

I’m on medication because I have a draining job and a long commute.

I’m on medication because I put extra pressure on myself to be good enough, so I can stay loved, and I’m still learning that THAT is crazy talk.

I’m on medication because I have a zillion assignments to finish by October.

I’m on medication because I have a wedding to plan.

I’m on medication because sometimes, I don’t know how to be in a secure long term relationship and I’m still learning.

I’m on medication because I am a highly sensitive person.

I’m on medication for all these reasons combined.

And you know what?

 Good. On. Me.