permission to rest

This weekend I gave myself strict instructions to REST. I've been sick for two weeks, and have been feeling burnt out and exhausted.

I don't usually slow down much on weekends,  I keep moving. Housework. Shopping. Errands. Ironing. Washing. Assignments.Must. keep. going.

But this weekend, I woke up slowly when I was ready and lay in bed for at least another half an hour.. and then meandered around the house.

 I went outside with Miss Kitty and Miss Dog and lay in the sun, sipping a hot chocolate. Sunshine is so good for your soul. Plus you get Vitamin D, which is good.

Then, when I was ready, we went the shops and pottered around. When I got home, I relaxed on the couch and watched my favourite tv show.  Then I slowly did the ironing before watching a movie.

Ah such a slow relaxing pace of life .

I should do this more often.

hello my name is...

At the beginning of the year, I had a minor breakdown in the doctors’ office and started to see a psychologist. 

Her name was Sue. She was quiet, and softly spoken and gentle and she specialized in attachment relationship issues.   And I liked her.

At first, our session were.. gut wrenching .  For days before hand, I’d be anxious and irritable and stressed.  I felt like there as so much tormenting me, It was really difficult, to despite my fears, speak the truth.

 But I learnt that once you say it out loud, it loses some of its power.

Its not a secret within that destroys, it’s a ‘fact’ in the daylight and in the light, you can start to see the holes, you can see the disguise.  That’s not a fact! That’s a bloody story !

 And its not true !

That’s what Sue called them ‘stories’. These stories were actually core beliefs that I had from childhood. Which, if you looked really closely and deeply, were behind a lot of my struggles and tears .

Sue helped me by relieving some of my stress, I was able to get an extension on my study.  We talked about my relationship with Mr Man and my family. We talked about unhelpful thought behaviors, and healthy ones.  She encouraged me to do yoga and read a book called ‘ The Happiness Trap’ by Dr Russ Harris.  It was all good.

But since then, I've also been on medication to help me.

 And every day I've taken this medication; I've beaten myself up about it.

You shouldn't have to take this medication. Think differently, take responsibility for yourself, change things. Don’t rely on drugs. It’s not good for you. Stop taking the drugs.  I felt weak admitting that I’m on medication.

So a while ago, I lowered my dose, and I seemed fine. I thought I felt better about it.

See ? I’m only taking a little bit now. I can stop whenever I like.

This week, I have discovered that perhaps, I was a little too speedy in lowering my own dose.  For some reason, I've just started unraveling.  The wheels are falling off.  So I’m going back to my original doctor prescribed dose.

And you know what? I’m going to own it.

It’s perfectly and completely OKAY and I need to accept it and love myself for it. I need to feel proud of myself because by taking this little white pill every night, I am taking care of myself, I am putting myself number one and I am doing what I need to do.

Hello, My name is Mim and I’m on medication.

I’m on medication because I get overwhelmed by life and its pressures.

I’m on medication because I have a draining job and a long commute.

I’m on medication because I put extra pressure on myself to be good enough, so I can stay loved, and I’m still learning that THAT is crazy talk.

I’m on medication because I have a zillion assignments to finish by October.

I’m on medication because I have a wedding to plan.

I’m on medication because sometimes, I don’t know how to be in a secure long term relationship and I’m still learning.

I’m on medication because I am a highly sensitive person.

I’m on medication for all these reasons combined.

And you know what?

 Good. On. Me.

Mr & Mrs

Before I go any further in life,  I MUST tell you that on New Years Eve, Mr Man proposed !!

That's right, he asked the big question. It was real, and sweet and unexpected and I was SO happy I felt like my heart was going to burst.

So I said yes, obviously, and now we are elbow deep in planning a relaxed wedding by the water, which is only 3.5 months away. Agh!

I am particularly looking forward to a couple of things.

1. wearing my wedding dress. Oh. I love being in this dress. I feel like a beautiful princess. It's gorgeous. I cant wait to be a beautiful bride for my groom.

2.  the honeymoon.  Eight days and seven glorious nights on a tropical island with Mr Man. Nothing to do but relax and have fun and make stuff, ( like love.)

3.  changing my name. yes. I know, it sounds strange but I am SO looking forward to changing my surname and officially belonging in his family, as well as my own.

4. most of all, more than anything, I am looking forward to marrying my best friend, Mr Man. I am so looking forward to him becoming my husband and all that entails, and I cant wait to become his wife.

2 am tears

The truth is, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of the dog, or my bladder.
And after I've sorted that out,  I lay awake in the quiet of the night.
And then, all of a sudden, in that moment, tears fall from my eyes and I cry.
I don't know why, but I cry, and once I start, its hard to stop.

I usually get to the point where I cant breathe, and I hate that.
So I tell myself to calm down. I try to think relaxing, calm thoughts and I try to comfort myself.
I close my eyes and take deep breaths.

It happened last night. But this time I couldn't stop. So I went out to the couch and I wrapped myself in a blanket. I curled up in a ball and lay my hand over my forehead.
And eventually I calmed.  My breathing got deeper, my nose cleared.
So I returned to bed and there, I slept.

I've woken early this morning with a headache, and puffy eyes, and I'm tired, so tired.

I think it might be time for me to start focusing on myself a bit more.

dear blog, I have missed you.

I was online the other night and I thought I would go and visit this blog here.

So I did. and while I was here visiting, I remembered how much I enjoyed writing and sharing and processing ups and downs of my life through this blog.

So I'm back for now at least. So much has happened since last September. ( My goodness has it been that long?)  But I'm here for now, and I'm going to give it a go.  My posts may be short.  They probably will be.

Right now, I am exhausted, time poor and feeling stretched in every possible direction.   I'm hoping that it will pass and tomorrow I will feel.. living.   And I know that doing this, writing and sharing, doing this will help.

So if you are still here, thank you.  I appreciate it.

I'll be back soon. :)

keeping calm. or not.

I had to walk into town today to buy something for a friend.

It was hot. And I had to go the long way due to road works.

Twenty minutes later, I’m in town.

And then I realise that I left the house open.  Like pretty much the whole house. The back door was unlocked. The front French doors were unlocked. The gate was not locked. FUCK. 

I couldn’t enjoy my morning in town anymore.  I couldn’t buy what I wanted.

 I started feeling angry and frustrated. I had to walk all the way home now.

I don’t have time for this!! I thought.  ‘ I should be studying! ‘

Study is the constant devil dead weight that is sitting on my shoulders.

And then ‘ It would be easier if I could drive! ‘

All of a sudden,  deep sobs started escaping out of my chest. I tried to hold them back.  Tears ran down my face.  I couldn’t breathe.

Too much. Too much.

I stumbled home, clutching at my tight chest, it was hard to find air.

Back home, the place had not been robbed. That’s a plus.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the bed trying to take deep breaths.  If I distracted myself and not think about anything, I would start to feel better.

As soon as my mind diverted to study, the truck, and how I was wasting my study day, (it was already midday), I couldn’t breathe again. It took a while.

Now my eyes are red and I have a headache.  I feel numb and I’m just trying to focus on the next medial task. Go downstairs and get the washing off the line. Finish the dishes.  Ring the cleaner.

 

I only have six months left to finish a 12 month course. I haven’t even finished the first subject yet. It’s hard. I don’t know what I ‘m doing. It’s so time consuming. I can’t do it.

(Notice the doubt and negativity ? Bad me.)

We have a new truck which sits outside. I can’t drive this manual truck so I’m just stuck at home all the time and I have no independence. I HATE that. I HAVE to drive this truck.

I need a plan. Don’t I ? A plan. 

crazy cat lady love

I spent some time today looking through photos on the computer . There are HEAPS of Miss Cat. I think I went a bit crazy cat lady taking photos of my new adorable kitten... All well.

Miss Cat back then :

And now:

 Such a sweet girl she is.