epiphany of the week

  

Over the last few days, I’ve realised something.  

Not only do I love time alone ( I kind of knew that), I need it.

A few weekends ago, we went out for dinner for Mr Man’s birthday with some great friends. One of them made a comment about his wife’s alone time at home. And she laughed and responded saying that she loves being alone.

I thought about that for a few minutes as I ate my meal. Yeah, I love being alone too. Just time to be and do whatever, by myself.

I had a hard day the other week and after work, I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t. I needed time to.. unwind and quieten the scream inside of me, the tension, the stress, the frustration and anxiety from the day. So I didn’t go home. I went to MacDonald’s and I sat near the window. I sipped a hot coffee and I watched people walk past and I breathed.

When I got home, an hour later, I felt better, in a better head space,  able to communicate and love and be available and contribute to my family and my home.

Then there was another day that I shouldn’t have come home straight away, but I did.  And I was cranky and frustrated and stressed and it wasn’t a good night. Not for me, not for Mr Man, not for our home.

 So, I’m not coming home now. That’s right; I’m not coming home until I’m ready.  I’m going to go have a cup of tea.  I’m going to lie in the park. I’m going to sit and watch water flow down the river.  I’m going to breathe and relax and forget about the hardness of the day and remember the beauty of my life. 

And that will help. THAT way, I can come home and I can smile, and be happy and I can love. 

The last few months have been. Really hard.

I lost my car. Well, by lost, I mean, we decided to trade it in for a brand new truck. A fantastic awesome truck which we love but which I cant drive.  Yes, that’s right. I’m 30 years old and I am yet to learn how to drive a manual.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I lost my freedom, and my independence and ability to get in the car and go places on my own. And that meant a lot to me.

At the same time, I’m learning how to drive this big new truck with its clutch and its gears and I just wish I could do it.  But I cant. I try and I fail and then the voice within me, that ‘I’m not good enough’ voice gets louder and louder.  

And it just gets a lot. I’m frustrated with myself and my inability and the amount of bloody emotional shit that I have to drag into simply learning how to drive a manual.

AND then… I left my job. Which turns out also meant a whole lot to me (who knew right?) I got a job much closer to home, better for me, for home, for my family. 

I had a new job to tackle with, a shitty job and I couldn’t talk to my friends every day like I used to.

Now I have another new job. Its frustrating and stressful and very overwhelming.  I’m not a big fan of ‘labels’ but I’m a highly sensitive person and this job leaves me completely overwhelmed and overstimulated every day so I’ve just been feeling much more stressed and anxious ALL the time.

So that brings us to this point and my new found desire to express and love and share and enjoy my life in a new way.

AND at the end of each day,  I am ETERNALLY grateful for THE most wonderful man by my side who is nothing but a constant calm and anchor in my storm of life. I LOVE our life, our home, our pets, and our future.

Tomorrow's forecast - blue skies

Welcome to the relaunch of my blog. It has lain untouch for almost a year while life has given me great surprises, kicks in the gut and plenty of other things to do.

It’s time now, for me to give this whole’ sharing’ online thing another go.  I need to be more honest and open with myself and others. I have to share what I feel  because what I feel matters.  I have to express all that goes on within me and that. Is no.easy. thing.  

So this is a step in the right direction– a daily Blog about my day, my life, my thoughts, my feelings

 I talk, I blog, I share, I open up, I learn that nothing awful is going to happen and that I’m still loved. After a while, I will probably actually start to feel better.  That is how this is going to go.

Join me on this path.  It may just be a wild exciting adventure ( or it may be a little boring, I make no promises.) but I’d sure appreciate your company.