Holy Jeepers! Pregnant?

This week I‘ve been on a roller coaster I really have.  I was late you see. . I was TWO WEEKS LATE. And I had myself CONVINCED. Convinced I tell you, that I was pregnant.

To say that I was freaking out is an understatement, it really is.  I was thinking and thinking and thinking about what we were going to do. I was doing sums in my head about bills and loan payments. I was making doctors’ appointments. I was about to get a waiting list form for childcare for goodness sake.  I wasn’t sleeping and I felt like my life was on hold.

And then, all of a sudden, after two weeks, I wasn’t pregnant.

All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I realised that all this JUMBLY, WRONG, OUT OF WACKNESS with my womanness is due to stress.  How so?   Well I stopped ovulating you see. Stress can do that to a gal.  It had never happened to me before but now it has.

I’ve been pretty stressed over the last few months. I was very stressed at my previous job. And now I feel a little more justified.  It wasn’t all in my head, me being too soft, me not coping, me not being good enough.  I stopped ovulating for goodness sake.

My body was STRESSED, it started shutting down non-essential services like egg delivery. 

So I’m glad I quit. I’m glad I went back to my old job where I can breathe.  I actually feel like I made the right decision for myself. That I trusted my feelings and my instincts and stress levels and I acted and I was RIGHT in doing so.  And that’s a good feeling…

(THANKYOU to Mr Man for supporting me through this every.single.day. I love you more than I can possibly describe)

Anyway, after this roller coaster ride, I was exhausted. I AM exhausted. I feel like I need to debrief.

Take stock. Take a deep breath.  ….

This experience has made me realise two things.

First thing is this. We are, in NO way, able to have a child financially right now. We’d be screwed. We really would be.  But I know that we are making progress every week and that in 12 or 18 months’ time, we’ll be in a different place, a better place.

 (And I know people say, you’ll be fine!  People have babies on Centrelink these days! But you see, the problem with that is that people who live on Centrelink don’t have truck repayments or a mortgage, or personal loan payments, boat repayments or shed repayments. And we do.  So that argument just does not make sense. )

The second thing is this. I REALLY Want to have a baby, like REALLY.  I cannot WAIT to actually be pregnant and to go through the most life changing awe inspiring experience that is growing a child and giving birth to a new life. A little person created by Mr Man and I.  (Mr Man is going to be the most INCREDIBLE daddy. I know it ). Now I’ve always wanted to have children but I just feel like this desire has reached a new level of depth. I know its not all roses, of course I know that. But I can’t wait all the same.