keeping calm. or not.

I had to walk into town today to buy something for a friend.

It was hot. And I had to go the long way due to road works.

Twenty minutes later, I’m in town.

And then I realise that I left the house open.  Like pretty much the whole house. The back door was unlocked. The front French doors were unlocked. The gate was not locked. FUCK. 

I couldn’t enjoy my morning in town anymore.  I couldn’t buy what I wanted.

 I started feeling angry and frustrated. I had to walk all the way home now.

I don’t have time for this!! I thought.  ‘ I should be studying! ‘

Study is the constant devil dead weight that is sitting on my shoulders.

And then ‘ It would be easier if I could drive! ‘

All of a sudden,  deep sobs started escaping out of my chest. I tried to hold them back.  Tears ran down my face.  I couldn’t breathe.

Too much. Too much.

I stumbled home, clutching at my tight chest, it was hard to find air.

Back home, the place had not been robbed. That’s a plus.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the bed trying to take deep breaths.  If I distracted myself and not think about anything, I would start to feel better.

As soon as my mind diverted to study, the truck, and how I was wasting my study day, (it was already midday), I couldn’t breathe again. It took a while.

Now my eyes are red and I have a headache.  I feel numb and I’m just trying to focus on the next medial task. Go downstairs and get the washing off the line. Finish the dishes.  Ring the cleaner.

 

I only have six months left to finish a 12 month course. I haven’t even finished the first subject yet. It’s hard. I don’t know what I ‘m doing. It’s so time consuming. I can’t do it.

(Notice the doubt and negativity ? Bad me.)

We have a new truck which sits outside. I can’t drive this manual truck so I’m just stuck at home all the time and I have no independence. I HATE that. I HAVE to drive this truck.

I need a plan. Don’t I ? A plan.