dear blog, I have missed you.

I was online the other night and I thought I would go and visit this blog here.

So I did. and while I was here visiting, I remembered how much I enjoyed writing and sharing and processing ups and downs of my life through this blog.

So I'm back for now at least. So much has happened since last September. ( My goodness has it been that long?)  But I'm here for now, and I'm going to give it a go.  My posts may be short.  They probably will be.

Right now, I am exhausted, time poor and feeling stretched in every possible direction.   I'm hoping that it will pass and tomorrow I will feel.. living.   And I know that doing this, writing and sharing, doing this will help.

So if you are still here, thank you.  I appreciate it.

I'll be back soon. :)

keeping calm. or not.

I had to walk into town today to buy something for a friend.

It was hot. And I had to go the long way due to road works.

Twenty minutes later, I’m in town.

And then I realise that I left the house open.  Like pretty much the whole house. The back door was unlocked. The front French doors were unlocked. The gate was not locked. FUCK. 

I couldn’t enjoy my morning in town anymore.  I couldn’t buy what I wanted.

 I started feeling angry and frustrated. I had to walk all the way home now.

I don’t have time for this!! I thought.  ‘ I should be studying! ‘

Study is the constant devil dead weight that is sitting on my shoulders.

And then ‘ It would be easier if I could drive! ‘

All of a sudden,  deep sobs started escaping out of my chest. I tried to hold them back.  Tears ran down my face.  I couldn’t breathe.

Too much. Too much.

I stumbled home, clutching at my tight chest, it was hard to find air.

Back home, the place had not been robbed. That’s a plus.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the bed trying to take deep breaths.  If I distracted myself and not think about anything, I would start to feel better.

As soon as my mind diverted to study, the truck, and how I was wasting my study day, (it was already midday), I couldn’t breathe again. It took a while.

Now my eyes are red and I have a headache.  I feel numb and I’m just trying to focus on the next medial task. Go downstairs and get the washing off the line. Finish the dishes.  Ring the cleaner.

 

I only have six months left to finish a 12 month course. I haven’t even finished the first subject yet. It’s hard. I don’t know what I ‘m doing. It’s so time consuming. I can’t do it.

(Notice the doubt and negativity ? Bad me.)

We have a new truck which sits outside. I can’t drive this manual truck so I’m just stuck at home all the time and I have no independence. I HATE that. I HAVE to drive this truck.

I need a plan. Don’t I ? A plan. 

crazy cat lady love

I spent some time today looking through photos on the computer . There are HEAPS of Miss Cat. I think I went a bit crazy cat lady taking photos of my new adorable kitten... All well.

Miss Cat back then :

And now:

 Such a sweet girl she is.

oh mercury!

I’m in tears. Google has made me cry.

I've been thinking lately about going to the dentist to get all this mercury removed from my mouth.  (I’m aiming to upgrade my health insurance today so, after the 12 month waiting period, I can claim on major dental.)

I don’t feel great and I’m thinking it might be because of mercury.  My mother has been diagnosed with severe mercury toxicity in her body, which does not mean great things for me. (Mercury crosses over to fetuses in utero and one of the few ways it can leave the body is through breast milk.)

I remember when I was about two years old, I dropped the thermometer on the bathroom floor. I didn’t mean to.  And the mercury spilled out onto the tiles. Mum freaked out ( as you would) and we all had to get out of the room. I feel pretty bad about that now.  Sorry Mum.

 Last year my naturopath looked at my blood results and asked me if I have ever been exposed to heavy metals. Again. Not good. I have a referral to get a hair test done for mercury but I haven’t done it. When I have a spare $150, I will.

So I googled it.  I found some really great informative natural health and medical websites and blogs on heavy metal toxicity, symptoms and treatments.

As I read through the list of signs and symptoms. I’m thinking.. oh shit I had that….. oh I had that… oh I had that too… and that…  I get that… and so it continued until I reached the end.

And that is why I’m crying.   Because I don’t want this ! And it all means money! Lots of money to get the blasted mercury out of my system!

Here is the list of symptoms that I have had in the last 5 years or am currently having.

Hold on to your chair.

·         Visual impairment

·          food sensitivities

·          abnormal heart rhythm

·          high blood pressure

·          repeated infections

·           Irritability

·          Anxiety

·          Nervousness

·          Restlessness

·          exaggerated response to stimulation

·          emotional instability

·          sudden anger

·          irrational behaviour

·          loss of self-confidence

·          Indecision

·          Shyness

·          mental depression & withdrawal

·          bloated feeling after eating

·          Heartburn

·         cervical erosion

·         not sweating

·          slow healing

·          leg cramps

·         frequent urination

·         unexplained anaemia

·         chest pain on left side

·          unexplained rashes

·          excessive itching

·          Acne

·         constant feelings of tension and strain

·          increased need for sleep.

All on the list of mercury exposure and toxicity symptoms.

Coincidence you say ? Hmmmmm.  

I've wiped my tears away and am going to walk to the Health Food Shop to buy selenium and chlorella - two natural supplements that assist your body in removing heavy metals.  I also have to reduce sugar, coffee and alcohol.  These things. do.not. help.

Its ok Google, we are still friends.

Going AWOL

On Saturday, we went AWOL. That's right. Absent Without Official Leave.

It was a tough week for both of us. ( You can refer to my last post about this.)
 We were both feeling pulled down and stretched to the limit by LIFE, and had not even had time or energy to communicate a whole lot over the week.

So Saturday morning there was argument and tears and frustration.
And then I thought.

Lets just go. Get in the truck with Miss Dog and go to the beach.

What about this list of errands ? And this commitment ? And that responsibility? And this messy house?

Stuff em. STUFF THE WORLD. Lets just GO. Lets just go and be US.

So we did. We quickly packed what we needed, and got in the truck and drove away.

It was a glorious feeling.

We reached the beach -a huge perfect sandy white dog- friendly beach and Miss Dog had a great time running around saying hello to other dogs,  catching the ball, and jumping in the waves.

We walked up and down the beach hand in hand, sipping our coffees,  cool waves rushing towards our feet. The sun was warm. It was perfect.

Then we found our way to a great fish and chip shop that Mr Man knew about.  We sat at a park near the water with Miss Dog resting at our feet and ate our fish and chips.

And we talked. And it was just.what. we. needed.

Holy Jeepers! Pregnant?

This week I‘ve been on a roller coaster I really have.  I was late you see. . I was TWO WEEKS LATE. And I had myself CONVINCED. Convinced I tell you, that I was pregnant.

To say that I was freaking out is an understatement, it really is.  I was thinking and thinking and thinking about what we were going to do. I was doing sums in my head about bills and loan payments. I was making doctors’ appointments. I was about to get a waiting list form for childcare for goodness sake.  I wasn’t sleeping and I felt like my life was on hold.

And then, all of a sudden, after two weeks, I wasn’t pregnant.

All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I realised that all this JUMBLY, WRONG, OUT OF WACKNESS with my womanness is due to stress.  How so?   Well I stopped ovulating you see. Stress can do that to a gal.  It had never happened to me before but now it has.

I’ve been pretty stressed over the last few months. I was very stressed at my previous job. And now I feel a little more justified.  It wasn’t all in my head, me being too soft, me not coping, me not being good enough.  I stopped ovulating for goodness sake.

My body was STRESSED, it started shutting down non-essential services like egg delivery. 

So I’m glad I quit. I’m glad I went back to my old job where I can breathe.  I actually feel like I made the right decision for myself. That I trusted my feelings and my instincts and stress levels and I acted and I was RIGHT in doing so.  And that’s a good feeling…

(THANKYOU to Mr Man for supporting me through this every.single.day. I love you more than I can possibly describe)

Anyway, after this roller coaster ride, I was exhausted. I AM exhausted. I feel like I need to debrief.

Take stock. Take a deep breath.  ….

This experience has made me realise two things.

First thing is this. We are, in NO way, able to have a child financially right now. We’d be screwed. We really would be.  But I know that we are making progress every week and that in 12 or 18 months’ time, we’ll be in a different place, a better place.

 (And I know people say, you’ll be fine!  People have babies on Centrelink these days! But you see, the problem with that is that people who live on Centrelink don’t have truck repayments or a mortgage, or personal loan payments, boat repayments or shed repayments. And we do.  So that argument just does not make sense. )

The second thing is this. I REALLY Want to have a baby, like REALLY.  I cannot WAIT to actually be pregnant and to go through the most life changing awe inspiring experience that is growing a child and giving birth to a new life. A little person created by Mr Man and I.  (Mr Man is going to be the most INCREDIBLE daddy. I know it ). Now I’ve always wanted to have children but I just feel like this desire has reached a new level of depth. I know its not all roses, of course I know that. But I can’t wait all the same.

Keeping Me Sane

These are the things and the people and the loves in my life that have kept me relatively sane over the last few months, when work was SO awful. I'm so grateful I was able to quit and return to my previous job in the city part time. Its exactly what I needed and wanted months ago.

 Mr Man. Mr Man. I dont know what I would do without Mr Man.  And Miss Dog. They both make me smile every day. I'm smiling right now just thinking about them.

My Miss Cat, my Harper. Isn't she beautiful ? I love how she likes to curl up on the couch with me and snooze, she definitely takes my stress away.

Relaxing into a hot bath with candles at the end of awful days.. that was lovely, soaking the day away.

Escaping work at lunch time to find nature.  This is actually a reserve on the side of a busy road. I didn't care. It was grass and trees and bushes and blue sky. So I sat and ate and tried to find peace in my one hour of calm.

Mr Man making me perfect breakfast in bed on the weekend, me relaxing,  playing on the tablet, sipping my coffee and breathing.

Oh! Almost forgot one.

Food. Uh huh. That's right. I've been eating. and drinking. more than usual. Its been terrible. I've put on 4 kilos in the past months from emotional and stress eating and drinking. But hey, it helped me get through a rough time, right?  Now I just have to get those kilos OFF again. Hmmm.  This, by the way, is my gluten free and dairy free apple crumble with ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. That's what I'm talking about.